Okay. So I kinda hate the whole “New Year, New Me” thing, but I’m changing it up a bit this year. 2019 was rough, and I feel like I lost myself. This year is about New Year, Old Me.
I feel like I’ve been in a bit of a funk for a while, but 2019 was especially difficult. I started the year by saying goodbye to my beloved dog, Lumpia. It was super sudden and truly horrible, and honestly I’m still not over it. That little guy was my child, and holding him as he drifted away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
While I was mourning the loss of my dog, I also watched the disintegration of my relationship with my best friend of about a decade. We’ve been through so much together throughout the years. Even living on opposite coasts couldn’t break us apart. Whenever they needed me, I was there for them, even if that meant waking up at 3 am my time just to offer support through texts.
When I really needed support, they disappeared on me. A couple months of no contact gave me plenty of time to reflect on our friendship. For the last couple of years, they have been on a bit of a downward spiral. Their negative energy rubbed off one me, and the happy, sunshine-y world that I curated for myself crumbled a little every time we spoke. I decided that I didn’t need that kind of negativity in my life. Although cutting out this source of toxicity was necessary, ending this friendship sent me further into my funk.
I don’t believe in venting on social media, so I kinda disappeared. Dressing up and putting on makeup was no longer fun for me. More often than not, I went to work with unwashed hair, a bare face, and leggings. I’d force myself into pretty clothes, smear on some lipstick, and grab sunglasses to cover my bare face for Instagram pictures. I wasn’t happy, and it showed.
But this year isn’t just a new year. It’s a new decade. It’s the perfect time for a fresh start. I’m ready to rediscover the old happy, silly me.
Are you ready for 2020? What does the new year mean to you?